Re:Zero – Starting Life in Another World – Vol. 6 Ch. 4

Re:Zero – Starting Life in Another World. Volume. 6.

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‘Chapter 4:- WON’T LET ME SAY THE WORDS.’

 
Sub-chapter 1.

Making creaking sounds, the land dragon continued moving forward.

Subaru’s mind was hazy; leaning deep into the driver’s seat, he was the driver in name only. It was partly fatigue, partly the effects of his wounds, but it was chiefly the wearing down of his spirit.

His broken bones and cut forehead had not healed; his dislocated left shoulder was crying out painfully. His broken teeth felt extremely unpleasant; his clothes, filthy from blood, mud, and urine, transferred the chill directly to his skin.

—Why had he survived?

Protected by Rem only to lose her, abandoned by Otto, spurned even by the White Whale that had spared his pathetic life. He’d blundered his way along the highway through the night mist, breaking free of it and thus prolonging his life.

Just where would this path lead him and the surviving land dragon? And once he arrived, would there be anything he could do?

The desire to protect someone, to save someone—he’d trusted it was that feeling that had spurred him forward. Yet, having seen things he wished he hadn’t, he knew he had simply been consoling himself with pretty words.

He’d come to realize that he needed his own life above all else; he was a lump of flesh wrapped up in self-pity.

When they’d left Rem to face the White Whale, and Subaru had ordered Otto to turn around, maybe he’d only pretended his heart was broken by Otto’s rebuttal but was actually relieved deep down? If it was an opponent even someone like a Sword Saint could not defeat, going back meant only a dog’s death. Rem wouldn’t want that.

—So he’d told himself he didn’t need to go back. He didn’t need to die.

As a matter of fact, Subaru hadn’t gone back to save Rem; he’d even begged the White Whale, the purported target of his hatred, for his own life. He’d shouted, I don’t wanna die, as he fled in a daze, peeing on himself all the while.

At the time, Rem’s safety or lack thereof never entered the back of his mind even once. Rem had done a pretty stupid thing, throwing her life away for a man like him.

“But…the stupidest thing is…”

There was no Rem anymore. Otto was gone, as were all the other traveling merchants. Subaru was alone, save for the land dragon silently continuing to advance along the well-maintained highway in search of human civilization.

It didn’t matter where. Subaru just wanted it to bring him somewhere.

Subaru grew apathetic, releasing his hand from the reins as he collapsed onto the driver’s seat. As he rolled onto his side, he could see the crucifixes still jabbed into a hard-to-see nook. It was evidence that Otto had been attacked by Witch Cult adherents he’d apparently encountered after slipping past the mist.

All that time, Subaru had been wondering if the Witch Cult would appear before him as well; would he meet the same fate as Otto? Would his meaningless life be cut down as well? Or if it came to that, would he be spared once more, even if he was face-to-face with Petelgeuse?

“Petel…geuse…”

Haltingly naming the object of his hatred, Subaru knew just how hollow his own heart was. Even when voicing the name of the madman who’d brutally murdered Rem, mocked Subaru, and was the root of all evils, Subaru’s heart didn’t feel a twinge, even though only a few hours prior, Subaru’s anger toward him was the only thing keeping him going.

“What the hell’s wrong with me…?”

The dragon carriage’s wheels creaked; an extremely high-pitched sound clawed at his eardrums. Almost in pain from the discordant sound, Subaru grimaced and sat up.

“A forest…?”

The land dragon had stopped its walking some time before. When he observed his surroundings, the land dragon was clawing at the ground of a woodland road surrounded by trees. Apparently the sun had risen some time ago, because white sun rays from above were baking Subaru’s body.

Now that he’d noticed it, Subaru savored the heat on his skin, soaking it up like a wick, when…

“—Ah, Subaru?”

…he was surprised to hear an innocent, high-pitched voice call him by name.

A number of diminutive figures had climbed onto the stopped dragon carriage, peering down at Subaru as he sat on the driver’s seat. They pointed at Subaru and began to laugh at the sorry state they’d found him in.

“It really is Subaru.” “What’s wrong, Subaru?” “Subaru, you’re filthy.” “You stink, Subaru.”

But these were not laughs of ill-willed mockery but rather, warm chuckles reserved for those whom they bore deep affection.

“Y-you’re…”

He knew their faces. He’d seen them several times in the last few days. He’d seen them contorted in pain and agony, never to smile again.

These were the grinning faces of the children living in Earlham Village, on the outskirts of Roswaal Manor.

In a daze, Subaru lifted his head and saw that there, ahead on the woodland path, was the human civilization he’d sought.

He had finally arrived at the place he’d longed for, that he’d craved so much.

Subaru had made it back before he’d surrendered completely to despair and lost everything.

“Subaru?” “Er, what’s wrong?” “Ahh, look out!”

The children’s voices rose. Subaru knew what they were trying to tell him. Regardless, his head had already grown heavy, and he could no longer support his body.

Something stretched taut made a sound as it snapped, and once again, Subaru’s mind fell toward a dark, quiet place, as if he were trying to shove all his troubles away.

“Wait a— Don’t fall—”

—He fell.

Sub-chapter 2.

When Subaru opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a familiar white ceiling.

The plain room, adorned with only a crystal lamp, was something of a rarity among the dazzlingly ornamented rooms of the mansion. When he was here, he could feel at ease as the rank commoner he was. And so he had taken a liking to it, selecting it as his own room.

Under his head was one of the pillows so eternally soft that he could never get used to them. The fact that sheets had been meticulously pulled up to his shoulders made it clear that someone had tucked him in as he slept on the bed.

It was Subaru’s nature to become alert as soon as he opened his eyes, no matter what the situation. He looked around the room, seeing for himself that it was indeed where he always woke up.

“—Ah.”

There was a girl sitting near the side of the bed, her eyes quietly lowered upon a book.

She wore a customized, very exposing maid outfit, with black as its chief color. She had a white flower hair ornament and a lovely face; the sharpness of her stiff, beautiful features displayed her inner refinement.

The instant Subaru realized she was there, he practically leaped up into a sitting position, taking her hand into his before she even realized he was awake. Her face registered surprise…

“—Do not touch me so casually, Barusu.”

…as her cold, blunt words; the tone of her voice; and the feeling of his hand being shaken off shattered his illusion.

In that instant, he realized that the girl before his eyes had pink hair. His reunion with someone precious whom he had lost was nothing but an illusion. This was the older twin sister of the girl he longed for, two peas in a pod, differing only in hair color.

“I can understand you are happy at seeing me after several days, but to leap at me by instinct is less like a man and more like a male. It is indecent.”

Ram glared reproachfully at Subaru, shifting her chair away as if to distance herself from the bed. The frigidity of her gaze and voice drilled into him that this was not her look-alike younger sister.

“Yeah……that’s right, I don’t have any right to that anymore…”

Ram suspiciously lifted an eyebrow as Subaru clawed at his head, bit his lip, and hunched forward.

From Ram’s point of view, she’d done nothing but greet his awakening with a suitably sharp tongue. The usual Subaru would make some sort of frivolous comeback, but he was falling silent with a grave expression.

“…I really would rather you did not make me do something so atypical, but…”

As Ram spoke, she drew near to Subaru and gently patted his head with her palm. The soft movement of her fingertips had a quiet, gentle rhythm that unsettled Subaru.

“Your face says you are thinking something rude, Barusu. You did not expect kindness from me?”

“No, I…didn’t… I thought you were the type to kick me when I’m down.”

“I imagine there are few maids who have as much generosity and kindness as I. I’m too crafty to torment you in your current state, Barusu. I’ll save the kicking for another time and place.”

“Correction. You really are the woman I thought you were.”

Ram declared that she’d redouble her antics next time, but Subaru did not sense any less affection from her fingertips.

Even if her speech was blunter and her personality was completely different, she really was Rem’s sister. His chest grew tight with the knowledge that they really did think the same way. He bore the inescapable pain of what he had to tell her…

“Ahh…”

As he sank into thought, Subaru felt her fingers pull away, causing him to blurt out a sound in regret. He rushed a hand to his mouth, but Ram broke into a smile even faster as she shot him a teasing look.

“You wanted more?”

“I don’t need it. I’m not some little kid…!”

“Bold words, when you look ready to bawl like a child. You’re as stubborn as a little brat.”

Ram slumped as Subaru gave her a sulking sidelong glance. Her condescension was fully intact as she said, “Now then, Barusu.”

“…”

Ram returned the chair in front of Subaru, sitting directly opposite him and staring at him.

“—I must ask you what you have to say. Yes,” she said, before launching into the topic at hand. “You were in an awful state, Barusu. You appeared at the village with an unfamiliar dragon carriage, filthy and half-dead. At first, when people from the village called for me to come over, I thought it must be some kind of joke.”

In a businesslike tone, Ram recounted how she’d carried Subaru back to the mansion while he was unconscious.

“Dislocated shoulder, cut forehead… I connected the broken bones, but your wounds will open if you force yourself. I disposed of your filthy blood- and mud-covered clothes—I shall refrain from telling Lady Emilia that you relieved yourself in them.”

“…Yeah, that’s a big help.”

Subaru’s muted reaction made Ram lower her shoulders with chagrin apparent on her face. To Ram, that last part was just a tiny bit of humor, but it would have been a big problem for Subaru otherwise.

“And the one who healed my wounds was…”

“Lady Emilia.”

Just like that, Ram said what Subaru had feared.

When Subaru hung his head at the reply, Ram put her hands on her hips and humphed through her nose.

“It could not be helped. I asked Lady Beatrice first, but she refused. Though, given how fickle she can be, I fully expected that she might decline.”

“Did…Emilia say anything about me?”

“I shall tell you nothing of it. That is something you should ask her yourself.”

Ram replied icily to Subaru’s meek question while patting his formerly dislocated shoulder.

“I have not heard what occurred between you and Lady Emilia in the royal capital. I am not interested. From your reaction just now, it would seem that you did nothing good regardless.”

“That’s pretty harsh.”

“I think it is a fair statement, is it not? More accurately, you are afraid that I will address the main topic of concern, and you wish to clumsily put it off as long as possible by talking about something else.”

“Uhh…”

Unable to even manage a proper groan, Subaru understood what Ram really wanted to hear. After all, the individual who should have returned by Subaru’s side was absent. Naturally, he needed to tell her about that first.

He wondered if it was Ram’s kindness or her strictness that made her broach the conversation when Subaru had said nothing of it himself. It was probably both.

He couldn’t allow her benevolence to spoil him forever.

“—Rem is dead.”

The instant the words were on his lips, Subaru felt something inside him gently come loose. The instant he made the confession, the weighty mass in the innermost depths of his chest broke apart and sank into his stomach, demanding acknowledgment from him.

The hot sensation he felt through his forehead told him exactly what that mass was.

—I’ve lost Rem.

A flood of tears poured out of him.

And he realized it. Only then did he realize: Subaru had let Rem die, over and over.

Including the previous mansion loop, this made the fourth time Subaru had let her die, four times Subaru had felt her passing. Finally, it sank in that he had let Rem die four times over.

And yet, that was the first time Subaru had shed tears over her death for her sake. Not out of self-pity, not out of guilt, but purely for Rem’s own sake.

“I…couldn’t do anything. On the highway, the mist… The White Whale showed up. Then, so I could get away, Rem… But I was left behind in the mist…and then, finally…”

He couldn’t put what he wanted to say in proper sentences. With periodic sobs, his account jumped from idea to idea, failing to arrange the topics in an orderly manner. Unable to keep his excuses at bay, Subaru grew afraid, feeling that he had somehow sullied Rem’s final moments.

He acknowledged his crime. He would accept his punishment—one befitting an unsightly man such as him.

That was why he had to explain everything as clearly as possi—

“Who is Rem?”

—.

.

.

“Ah, er, huh…?”

He didn’t…understand…what was being said to him.

Unable to grasp the meaning of Ram’s question, Subaru made incoherent sounds in response.

Who is Rem? What did that even mean?

But seeing Subaru lost in doubt, Ram cocked her head and opened her mouth once more.

“Barusu. Who is this Rem?”

Her eyebrow hadn’t even twitched at the mention of her twin sister’s name, and now she was asking who she was.

“Wh-whaddaya mean, who…? Don’t say stupid things like that! It’s the name of y-your little sister, isn’t it?! Rem, right? R-e-m. Rem! This isn’t the time for j—”

“My little sister…?”

Ram put a finger to her lips, closing her eyes as she seemed to sink into serious thought. Subaru had seen the gesture before, but in his present state, it was extremely difficult to endure. He felt the urge to yell, What the hell are you doing?! and punt Ram all the way into the mist at that very moment.

“My little sister, Rem. Ahh…”

“You remember now?!”

“I cannot remember what never was. I have no little sister. I have always been an only child.”

Subaru’s face went very pale as Ram’s plain statement defied his every expectation.

“That’s crazy… What are you saying…?”

“—I do not have a little sister.”

“Don’t mess with me! If Rem didn’t exist, what happened during that mess with the demon beasts in the forest?! You, Rem, and I went there and…”

“Truly, what is wrong with you, Barusu? I am loath to admit it, but half the credit for exterminating the Urugarum pack is yours. The remaining half goes to my own efforts and Roswaal’s power… There is no place to slip in some long-lost little sister named Rem.”

Even when hearing Subaru’s protests, Ram obstinately refused to acknowledge her little sister’s existence. Inside of Ram, things that had most certainly happened had been overwritten with false memories.

He didn’t know what it meant. He didn’t know why she was answering him in that manner.

“This ain’t funny… Not even a nightmare…would have a script this bad…”

“As always, I am quite serious. It’s you who’s dreaming, Barusu.”

“Dreaming… Dreaming? You’re saying I’m dreaming?! Stop messing with me!”

With Ram completely at sea, Subaru pushed aside the sheets and got out of bed. His endurance hadn’t returned; his lower body wobbled as he walked out, driven by his fierce emotions.

“Barusu, you should not be up y—”

“Shut up! Be quiet and…come look!”

Ram extended a hand toward his tottering body, but Subaru brushed it aside angrily.

Subaru had been sleeping in his bedroom on the second floor of the mansion’s east wing. Rem’s room was on the third floor, so he walked to the stairs leading up in search of some trace of her.

“Your endurance has not returned. If you continue to force yourself and collapse, it will only cause me trouble.”

Ram followed behind him, speaking to him, but Subaru, his shoulders shaking in anger, had no intention of listening. Taking more time than usual to climb up the stairs, Subaru headed straight down the third floor corridor of the mansion before stopping in front of a room—Rem’s room.

Once Ram saw it, surely her ridiculous notions would shatter into dust.

Subaru grasped the doorknob to the room and marched in. He didn’t hesitate. If he did, Subaru’s timid heart would let him make more excuses. He had no time to be worried or conflicted.

The room he stepped into was plain but decorated in a reserved, feminine fashion—

“…No…way.”

There was…nothing.

The space he’d just entered had a made bed and a little table, no different than any of the other empty rooms. Rem’s had been simple, but this was different, completely devoid of personality. The little feminine touches and decorations had certainly been in hers.

“This can’t be rea…”

Looking around the room, Subaru couldn’t believe it and rushed out into the hallway. Ignoring Ram’s gaze as she stood beside the door, Subaru counted the rooms from the stairs to this one. He’d made no mistake. There was no way he could have. He could find the place with his eyes closed.

—Then why…?

“C-could it be Beatrice? Maybe she shuffled the spaces around on me like that first time…”

“Barusu.”

“That’s right! That has to be it! Why that little— Playing her games to make fun of me…”

“Barusu, stop it.”

Seeing Subaru grow hysterically desperate, Ram quietly dropped all hint of affection. Shocked, Subaru looked at Ram. She gazed back at him, the almost unthinkable, plaintive look in her eyes expressing just how much she was concerned for his well-being.

But it was wrong. That wasn’t what Subaru was looking for.

“Rem… This is her…”

“—There has never been such a person at this mansion.”

Ram shook her head, her eyes clouding as she said, as if to slap him to his senses, “I do not have a little sister.”

And so she finally destroyed his doubts.

Sub-chapter 3.

He’d meant to own up to his responsibility, to bear his crime on his shoulders. He had meant to accept that all-too-heavy burden, the responsibility he wished to cast aside and flee from at that very moment, and face up to Rem’s death.

“I—I…”

Did he not even have the right to mourn Rem’s death and plead for forgiveness?

He’d done things thinking it was for Emilia’s sake, but she hadn’t accepted him; their feelings were at odds and still remained on different trajectories. Rem, who’d thrown everything away for Subaru’s sake, had expended her life in heroic fashion as the world repeated itself. And yet, the world had robbed Subaru of the duty to shoulder the responsibility of her life.

Time, the world, the Witch Cult, the White Whale—various obstacles stood between Subaru and what he desired. Why was the world so cold to Subaru, betraying him and all his feelings?

That was, that was—

“Barusu, please return to your room.”

As Subaru stood dumbfounded in the unoccupied quarters, Ram spoke thusly to him. With Subaru rooted to the floor, Ram, standing beside him, pressed a hand to his back to lead him out of the room and said, “You must be confused about many things because you are tired. Head back to your room and keep dreaming in bed. I have things to do, so I cannot stay with you like this forever.”

Even though Subaru was beaten down, Ram’s decision was strict toward Subaru. She meant to carry out her assigned duties without coddling him any further.

“Back to your room, and sleep.”

Repeating the command one more time as she left, Ram went down the stairs and vanished from view.

Certainly, if he slept as she said, he might be able to escape that sense of alienation. It was all a bad dream, surely. He was dreaming, so he’d go back to bed to dream.

He should just run away, run away, run away. He’d fled all the way to where he stood now. If he kept trying to get away, like he always had, like he always would—if he ran and ran and ran and ran, then—

“Then…what…?”

Subaru murmured, his foot stopping just as he was about to take the stairs down.

Judging that he needed to escape into a dream, he’d dragged his feet over to the stairs. Slightly raising his jaw, Subaru looked at the steps up to the next floor.

No matter how far he fled, it’d all be the same. And Subaru would have betrayed Rem again.

Rem had protected Subaru, gambling with her own life so that he might escape from the White Whale… And for what?

So that Subaru could finish what he’d started.

For his goal of saving the people precious to him from the evil clutches of the Witch Cult.

If he abandoned that objective then and there, letting go and fleeing into his own mind…

“That’s…a lot lower than begging for forgiveness…”

Subaru turned away from the stairs leading downward.

This time, there was no hesitation in his gait. Subaru put his foot on the first step and went up, not down, because that was where he would find the reason for his return.

Stepping firmly upon each step, Subaru slowly headed up. Arriving at the topmost floor, he breathed out as he found the door he had been fighting toward this whole time.

When he reached for the doorknob, Subaru realized that he was oddly calm. It seemed unreal how much his heart had quieted down after its frantic pounding when he’d burst into Rem’s room. He wondered if he had actually calmed down or if he had moved beyond stress entirely and sunk so far that he could no longer hear its powerful thumping.

But: “Rem, lend me…your courage—”

When he voiced that name, Subaru felt his hand become stronger. That strength transferred to the doorknob; he gently opened the obstinate-seeming door. And on the other side of the open entryway, a girl was sitting at the desk, looking back toward him as she said, “—Subaru?”

When Subaru heard the chime-like voice calling out his name, he closed his eyes. He finally remembered the deep emotions rushing through his chest that were difficult to put into words…and that he had returned for the sake of hearing her voice.

She was a girl with fluttery silver hair, pale skin, and violet eyes. Sadness marred her fleeting, beautiful features. The girl—Emilia—rose from her seat and said to Subaru, “…Why…did you come back?”

It was not the words themselves but the trembling tone of her voice that robbed Subaru of all thought.

Here was Emilia, lacking all strength in her eyes, her lips quivering.

It had been a little while since he had seen her. He felt like she was thinner than when they had parted. Both her voice and her eyes were clouded with fatigue, enough to suggest she hadn’t been getting any sleep.

She’d probably been backed into a corner, her spirit worn down by external influences.

Thus, Subaru stepped forward, ignoring Emilia’s question as he offered her his hand.

“Come on. You can’t stay here.”

Subaru’s forceful behavior surprised Emilia; she pulled back slightly from him. When the original distance between them was restored, Emilia shook her head toward the troubled boy.

“Go where…? No, why?”

“Anywhere will work, as long as it’s not here. If you’re gonna ask what it’s for, my answer is that it’s for your sake. I came back for your—”

“This again, Subaru?”

Emilia seemed disappointed in his reply as he spoke.

Her velvet eyes watered slightly, glaring up at him through her lashes and cowing him into silence.

“Returning all of a sudden, covered in wounds and making everyone worry… Aren’t you supposed to be undergoing treatment from Ferris in the royal capital? Why are you here now?”

“A lot happened! There’s a mountain of things to explain, but I don’t have the time to do it right now. Please listen to me. We have to get out of this mansion this—”

“I told you I can’t, didn’t I? I can’t trust you like this, Subaru… I told you.”

Grudgingly, Emilia shook her head and rejected him with a trembling voice. It was a direct continuation of their exchange back in the waiting room at the royal capital, without the slightest progress. Subaru had been unable to convey to Emilia his willingness to do anything for her sake, and he had failed to understand why Emilia refused to understand how he felt. But one thing was different from before.

“I’ll drag you out of here if I have to. In a few days, you’ll know I’m right whether you want to or not, so…!”

“Wait. Wait, Subaru. What’s wrong? This isn’t like you, Subaru. I… And yet—”

“Just shut up and listen to me!!”

The instant he shouted, Emilia’s shoulders trembled. Before her unbelieving eyes, Subaru’s ragged breaths came with as much force as his angry yell, and he glared intensely at her.

“You can’t stay here. You’ll regret it. I know you will. It won’t help anyone. It won’t save anyone. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I don’t want to cry anymore!”

“What are you talking about…? Subaru, I don’t understand.”

“Shut up! If everyone would just… If you do exactly what I tell you, it’ll be all right! Everything will turn out okay. It’s true! Why doesn’t anyone understand that…?!”

Subaru clawed at his head, raising his voice—not toward Emilia but at the irrationality of the situation.

No doubt Emilia could not understand the meaning behind Subaru’s angry outburst. But this was the only place where he could express these curses aloud. Only before Emilia could Subaru vent about all the senseless things he had encountered and bring out all the ugly emotions he had borne with such difficulty.

Seeing Subaru plead in a tearful voice, Emilia lowered her eyes in sadness.

“I’m sorry, Subaru. I don’t get what you’re saying. I really can’t understand it.”

Emilia’s eyes remained lowered as she softened the tone of her voice in an effort to soothe Subaru’s spirit.

“I want to understand. But even if I could understand with time, I can’t give you that right now… There are so many things I need to do. That’s why right now, I—”

“It’ll all go wrong.”

Subaru interrupted her show of concern with a few short words, trampling upon Emilia’s feelings.

Hearing the malice filling his voice, Emilia was in shock, blinking as he repeated the words.

“It’ll all go wrong. You’re no good. You’ll fail. There’s no way you could do it. There’s no chance. You’re all talk. Totally beyond saving. No one can rescue you. You’ll just keep doing rash and reckless things, and the number of corpses in the pile will be the same. That…is your future.”

The satisfaction filling Subaru’s body was pitch-black, mean, ugly, and contemptible. As each word that fell from his mouth sounded in Emilia’s ears, the pain on her face let him truly see the effects of jamming his feelings like blades into the weak points of her heart.

At that moment, Emilia was forced to pay attention to everything he said. In that instant alone, he took morbid joy in the fact that she could not ignore him.

He’d rejected her determination, laughed off her resolve, callously trampled on her actions, scoffed at her past idleness, and prophesied a completely dark future. As Subaru watched Emilia, stunned by all he’d said, his heart—

Quietly, Emilia murmured, “Why?”

Grief at Subaru’s heartless words, along with pain at his description of an inescapably dark future, caused Emilia’s expression to stiffen. But even then, her violet eyes remained unclouded. Captivated by the haunting, dimmed gleam of her eyes, he watched the world reflected in them—in other words, Subaru himself, as seen by her. Then, “Why do you look like you’re crying from so much pain, Subaru?”

—Only then did he realize that a twisted smile had come over him while his tears poured out.

He knew that everything he’d said had been thrown back in his face.

Reflecting upon each and every word with which he’d crushed Emilia’s feelings, eyes running all the while, he realized they amounted to nothing. With everything he said, Subaru had managed only to slice himself to ribbons.

Determination, resolve, actions, past, future—Subaru’s had been rejected as much as hers.

He felt like it was futile no matter how hard he tried.

He knew that he was seized by an urgent need to do something. As for what he was struggling against, he had no idea. He knew only one thing.

“She…she brought me this far… No. She stayed with me this far, and there are things I have to do for her…”

“Rem?”

Subaru anxiously searched his heart for the original feelings that had brought him to where he currently stood. Emilia, listening to his seemingly meaningless utterance, tilted her head slightly.

“—”

His breath caught.

The way Emilia had said her name.

It was clearly how people sounded when they were confused.

“—You too.”

“Hmm?”

“You’ve…forgotten Rem, too—”

Not only had her own twin sister forgotten her existence, not only had all traces of her vanished, but the person who was the entire reason for Subaru’s return didn’t remember her, either, even though Rem had staked her life on making it happen.

The days she had spent, the time, the feelings, the way she’d lived, all had vanished. Her smile, her anger, her tears, the touches they’d shared—what had happened to all the things that made her who she was, that were firm proof she had lived?

“—All right. I’ll tell you everything.”

“Eh?” Emilia responded, surprised by Subaru’s words. Looking up at her beautiful, refined face, Subaru found anew the source of the emotions that had driven him to such lengths.

If the alternative was for Rem and her feelings to vanish into the ether forever…

“It’s better to get everything out, even if it makes me cough up blood.”

Subaru had decided.

He’d reveal it all. He’d tell her the truth about what clouded the depths of his spirit.

Emilia, seeing that the look in Subaru’s eyes had changed, swallowed stiffly.

Standing before her, Subaru put a hand to his chest. His heartbeats were fast; he knew and feared exactly what was about to happen, what the result would be.

That pain. Pain enough to drive a man mad.

The suffering of those ministrations on his heart, the sensation of it being crushed, his inability to even let out a sound, continuing on and on, never knowing when it would come to an end…

But he had thought about this, too.

As if I care. I don’t care. What’s that pain compared to this suffering right now?

She couldn’t trust him. She couldn’t understand him. If he would have to endure the suffering of no one remembering Rem on top of that, mere physical pain paled in comparison.

—If you’re gonna come, then come, damn it. If it’s my heart you want, you can have it.

“Emilia.”

“Yes?”

“I’ve…seen the future. I know what’s gonna happen. And if you wanna know why, it’s because…I can Return by Death—”

The instant he reached the verge of revealing everything, the world indeed came to a halt. As he’d expected, everything gradually slowed, finally stopping altogether. In that instant, the environment lost its color; all the sounds he had heard to that point vanished. The wind, his breath, his beating heart—all grew further and further away and did not return.

With all five senses deserting his mind, Subaru was isolated from the world.

—Then, as if unable to leave him alone in his solitude, the hands slowly appeared, bearing their unsought benevolence.

The black cloud that spawned seemed to slide through the air as it wriggled, shifting to form arms. In past times, only the right arm had the well-defined contours of a limb. But as the frequency of the evil hands’ occurrence had increased, they formed a left hand as well with disturbing speed.

Both hands drew near to Subaru, with the left stroking his cheek, seemingly fond of him. The right rudely refused to be patient, plunging into Subaru’s chest, slipping past his ribs, and gently enveloping his heart.

The frightening sensation of that alien limb softly, gently toying with his heart coursed through his entire body.

Unlike the unimaginable pain inflicted on him previously, the blackness that held Subaru’s life in its hands seemed to be craftily manipulating his ultimate fear to break his determination and resolve.

With the impending agony failing to arrive, a new fear began to quietly take root in Subaru’s mind.

He’d made his peace with the excruciating discomfort and had sworn to endure it. The evil hands seemed to be mocking Subaru’s determination, delivering no more pain to his body and mind than pinpricks, and relying on his imagination to fill in the rest. It was that way of inflicting pain, so different from what he’d expected, that made the immobilized Subaru want to scream. But he clenched his unmoving teeth and rejected the urge.

He was in pain, afraid, ignorant, but Subaru did not allow that suffering to affect his spirit. If he failed, he would gain nothing. If he failed, he would never be forgiven. In a world where no one remembered that Rem had ever existed, Subaru had nowhere left to beg forgiveness for his responsibility in her death, save the confines of his own soul.

If the hand wanted to inflict suffering, he would let it carve as much into him as it pleased. But that determination was the one thing that would not shatter so easily.

Subaru glared at the evil hand toying with his own heart, holding his breath as he waited for the inevitable moment. But the hand made no move to do so. If it could do the deed anytime, it could also delay as long as it wished.

In that world of stopped time, all he could do was wage a war of attrition until his mind was worn away. Even if Subaru’s determination held firm for the moment, it would eventually falter, and his spirit would be subsumed and broken.

—If that’s what it thought, it had another think coming.

He’d endure the agony, no matter how many hours or days it might take. He hadn’t died over and over for nothing. If it wasn’t going to kill him, he’d endure anything mere pain had to offer.

Such was Subaru’s resolve—

“—Ah?”

Suddenly, something began to animate that stilled world.

All traces of the looming pain, of which he’d received only a preview, vanished from his world. Subaru and his resolve were left intact as sound, color, and time returned. A flood of sounds—his breathing, his heartbeat, of moving things moving in the world—swirled around Subaru, as if that other realm had spat him out in derision.

Perhaps the evil hand had judged that it was futile in the face of Subaru’s obstinate resolve?

Like hell, thought Subaru. His repeated suffering at those hands led him to scoff at the notion. Even then, he felt the black cloud’s right hand softly grasping his heart. If it’d squeezed, Subaru would that very moment be—

“—”

At that point, a doubt crept into Subaru’s thoughts.

Subaru had a firm memory of that abominable right hand touching his heart.

But what had the left hand been doing during that time? At first, it had touched his cheek, but after that—

“—Hu.”

Before he could find an answer to his question, Emilia, standing before him, seemed to murmur something.

Her voice roused Subaru to his senses. He recalled the rest of the sentence he had started before time had stopped. Though his sudden release from the nightmare had thrown him off, if violating the taboo would bring no further price, he needed to concern himself with it no further.

He’d reveal everything, sharing with her what lay moments into the future, so that Subaru, and everyone, could get the world they hoped for. Finally, his determination to see that through would bear fruit—

“Ahh.”

A moment before he could, Emilia’s body abruptly leaned forward toward Subaru, who was standing just in front of her.

Subaru instinctively reached a hand out to catch her. Her breath caught a little at the soft, warm touch against his hand when…

Splat.

“—Eh?”

Splat, splat, splat.

“—Emi…lia?”

Splatsplatsplat, spurt.

Emilia made strange sounds while she embraced him as an enormous amount of blood poured from her mouth.

—Where had the left hand gone while the right was touching Subaru’s heart?

Emilia rested her head on Subaru’s shoulder, continuing to cough up blood. The sheer amount coming out dyed half of Subaru crimson as her body grew lighter.

“Stop i… Wha? Wai…? Huh?”

She lifted her head, seemingly trying to stop the blood she was heaving up, but in that instant, her listless head dropped. She slid down his shoulder. Her lifeless gaze told him everything he needed to know.

Right then, before Subaru’s very eyes, Emilia’s life—

“WaaaAAAHHHHHH—!!”

A scream rang out.

He screamed and howled enough to tear his throat apart, as if that would let him forget everything. If it were so, he wanted it to break at that very moment, to claw at it and rip it out with his own hands.

Emilia’s limp body was still growing lighter within his arms.

The blood wouldn’t stop flowing out of her. Subaru’s body turned redder. Redder. And redder.

—While the right hand had been touching Subaru’s heart, the left hand had reached for Emilia’s.

His determination, his resolve, his actions, his past, and his future had all been stomped down and mocked.

His stubborn determination, the resolve that he had only just decided would never be broken, had been smashed to pieces, and Subaru Natsuki plunged into an abyss of despair.

His scream reached higher and higher, never fading.

It had finally come to this. Subaru—

—had killed Emilia.

Sub-chapter 4.

This time, he surely had no more blood to cough up, no more tears to weep. He had been wrung dry.

How much did he have to cry?

How much did he have to suffer?

Had he done something so unforgivable?

His spirit had been wounded and trampled upon. He’d been robbed of someone precious. He couldn’t protect the people he needed to protect. And by his hand, the most important person to him in the world had cruelly lost her life.

—Had someone levied some kind of judgment upon him?

“I—I…”

He’d been wrong. He’d misunderstood. He’d gotten cocky.

He’d become conceited after skillfully using the curse of the Witch on his soul to turn things around before. Encouraged by the thought that he’d come back even if he died, he’d dismissed the abominable being known as the Witch along with her evil hands, and this was the result.

All those things, accumulated together, had produced the tragic spectacle now before him.

Subaru fell to his knees, resting Emilia’s corpse atop them, as his hollow eyes wandered aimlessly about.

How much time had passed since Emilia had lost her life?

When he touched her cheek, it had gone cold. The heat had faded from the blood that poured from her mouth. Her soft limbs had begun turning stiff, leaving him with less and less with which to deny her death.

Subaru, understanding that, remained unable to move from the spot.

He was exhausted.

He’d suffered so much. Surely it was all right for him to stop now?

Was there any human being anywhere in that world who had undergone as much as he?

He’d made efforts unthinkable for his old self, trying to manage somehow. Even so, he’d been unable to avert the worst case, the calamity had overtaken him, and he had lost everything. Then what more could—

“—Your face seems to say, ‘I am the unluckiest man in the whole world.’”

No one should have been there, so Subaru doubted his own ears when he looked toward the entrance.

As he sluggishly brought his head around, he saw a single girl standing in front of the door. She gazed at Subaru with disdain. Her long cream-colored hair was split into two beautiful rolls, and she wore an ornate dress fit for a Western doll. She had an adorable face, one Subaru had not seen upon his return to the mansion the last two times through the current series of loops.

“Bea…trice…”

“In the time since I have last seen you, has your witless face grown even more foolish, I wonder?”

Making that harsh declaration, Beatrice surveyed the tragic sight in the room.

Then she said, “Well, now you’ve really done it…”

With a sigh, Beatrice summed up the tragic spectacle with extreme bluntness.

Seeing Emilia immobile in a pool of blood, eyes hollow in Subaru’s embrace, was Beatrice truly moved so little?

But even if animosity was the obvious reaction, Subaru could no longer manage it. Indeed, in that moment, Subaru was grateful for Beatrice’s reaction, not asking him a single thing. He would have been more grateful still if she simply turned around and left Subaru there.

“Will Puckie not come out, I wonder?”

As Beatrice spoke, she walked closer and kneeled right beside Subaru.

“Even if I tell you to look, I doubt you would listen… I do so hate to get my hands dirty.”

Speaking indifferently, Beatrice reached out toward Emilia. Subaru did not know what she meant to do with the deceased girl, but he made no reaction as her fingers touched Emilia’s neck. Subaru, feeling uncomfortable with the action in a way he couldn’t put into words, began rebuking her.

“It’s disconnected, I suppose?”

But Beatrice accomplished her objective before he’d even gotten a word in. As Beatrice’s hand moved away from Emilia, it held a beautiful, glimmering green crystal. This was the pendant that Emilia never took off—Puck’s abode, and the physical representation of the pact formed between Emilia and the spirit. But now, it was…

“Bro…ken…?”

“A bold thing to say for the one who broke it… Though you seem to be unaware of the fact.”

Gazing desolately as the two pieces of the crystal rested on her palm, Beatrice tucked the ruined thing away.

What had happened to Puck, the spirit who should have been inside the broken pendant? What had happened to the spirit who had loved Emilia, now resting in Subaru’s arms, so much that he had called her his daughter? Where had he gone?

“Are you concerned, I wonder? Puckie is not dead. He has simply been returned to his true body for the moment. It is only a matter of time until he comes… But it shall not be too long, I think.”

Responding matter-of-factly to Subaru’s unstated question, Beatrice stood up with a slight flutter of her skirt. Subaru watched the girl’s bouncing hair rolls as he took solace in her answer.

If that spirit was alive, if he would be returning here, then he’d probably…

“—Do you have something you wish to say, I wonder?”

Seeing Subaru’s extremely inappropriate relief, Beatrice gazed at him evenly as she posed the question.

Subaru did not notice the feelings in Beatrice’s voice. But if she was asking if he had anything to say, then—

“Kill me.”

—he wanted someone to end his life, then and there.

He was sick of everything. It had been one thing after another, and he was worn out.

So he wanted to die. He wanted to die and end everything. Even if he died and did it over, he’d probably lose it all again. If things started over when he died, or even if they didn’t, he no longer wanted to be in that world. In a world where Emilia had died and Rem’s existence had been erased, there was nothing left for him. That was why…

“Kill…me…”

…putting an end to it all was Subaru’s only hope for salvation.

If there was someone out there who would hear his plea, he wanted his good-for-nothing life plucked away. He had trod the dignity of his life underfoot, rendered everyone’s feelings meaningless, and abandoned everything in a pathetic effort to save his own life, and he wanted to be burned away and utterly destroyed.

Surely the girl with supernatural powers standing before him could grant that much.

Beatrice surely hated Subaru. If she listened to Subaru’s request, there was no doubt he could expect a cruel punishment that matched the gravity of his crime.

He was a foolish human being. Dying nine times over had done nothing to change that. Why not cut him down for the tenth time, then? Now that the benevolence of God, Goddess, Buddha, and Witch were exhausted, there was no better time.

Hence, “Kill me here, please.”

Subaru earnestly pleaded to Beatrice as he embraced Emilia’s remains.

If this was going to be the end, he wanted it to be with Emilia in his arms.

Having achieved the worst of all worlds through his self-interested efforts, Subaru would indulge himself to the bitter end.

Subaru squeezed Emilia harder, closing his eyes as he waited for the end.

He imagined he would soon fall into that silent time.

“…t to.”

Subaru, having selfishly decided to end it all, abruptly heard something.

“—Eh?”

It was a small, frail, halting voice.

Without thinking, Subaru let out the breath he had been holding and opened his eyelids to look up at her. As before, Beatrice was standing in front of him, gazing down at him all the while.

She embraced her tiny body with both arms, biting her trembling lips as if she were freezing.

“To ask Betty to kill you… Is that not too cruel, I wonder…?”

She said it with a tearful look and a choked voice, leaving Subaru completely at a loss. No matter how many times he blinked, Beatrice’s thick sorrow would not vanish.

The girl Subaru knew would never wear that expression. After all, she was supposed to hate him. Even though she was always blunt, she’d put up with Subaru because she had some goodness in her, but he thought she was someone who could heartlessly lay into you by nature.

Even though he thought she might not readily accept, or might even turn him down, he expected it to be accompanied by disdain and mockery.

“You don’t understand… You don’t understand anything…!”

Subaru had never dreamed she would refuse to kill him with such a sad expression.

“B-Beatrice…?”

“Shall I refuse every single thing you ask, I wonder? If you want to die so much, go die by yourself… I refuse to do it.”

Beatrice shook her head and covered her eyes with a hand, suppressing the emotion on her face. Hiding her welling tears rather than letting them fall, she turned that hand toward Subaru.

“What are you…? Everything is—?!”

In that instant, the world began to distort. Everything around Subaru warped, and a crack appeared.

These were preludes to the destruction of the world, or so he thought, instantly clutching the body in his arms close to him. Looking down at him, Beatrice spoke again with cold eyes.

“If you’re going to be this useless, having you here is a bother— At the very least, perhaps I can protect this mansion, I suppose?”

“What are you say—? No, Beatrice, you’re…!”

“—Do not think Betty is like Roswaal. Pain, anguish, suffering, sadness, fear… Perhaps Betty hates all these things?”

She replied to the question that was not a question with an answer that was not an answer.

Space distorted, and the resulting fissure enveloping Subaru brought him beyond the reach of all known physical laws.

It didn’t hurt.

“If you are going to die, can you do it in a place where Betty will not see, I wonder?”

Though her final murmur was cruel, she could not conceal even a tiny fragment of her desolation.

He could say nothing. He understood nothing. But her emotions did tell him one thing.

—Subaru’s decision and behavior had made Beatrice sad.

The distortion reached its zenith, and then it snapped back to normal. Something like static ran across his field of vision as the world was instantly swept away; in the next moment, the distorted air succumbed without a trace and vanished.

The gouge in the bloodstained floor was the only sign that Subaru and Emilia had ever been there.

Beatrice watched the two vanish before leaning back against a wall with a tired look. She sluggishly raised her palms, lifting them over her eyes as if that would hide the world from her.

“—Mother. How much longer must Betty…?”

The murmur of the girl left alone in the world petered out, reaching no one.

Sub-chapter 5.

—Without warning, Subaru was cast out of a rip in space, plunging headfirst onto mossy plants.

“Bwah!”

Subaru spat out saliva that tasted like dirt, then lifted his head and looked around. Bunches of trees appeared in his dim field of vision. Surrounded by nature in all directions, Subaru realized that he had been cast into the middle of a forest.

“A forest at night…? Somewhere in the mountains…?”

He was only able to see at all because the moonlight was unhindered.

A cold breeze rustled the leaves of the many trees, with the sounds of insects dominating the gloomy forest under the twilight sky. The fact that it was night outside the mansion made Subaru aware that he’d slept for more than half a day.

“Teleportation…or something like it, I guess?”

The air had bent, and right after the resulting fissure had swallowed him up, he’d been dumped out into the forest. Using the Passage magic spell, Beatrice was able to freely rearrange where each door in the mansion connected. Maybe there was no reason to expect she couldn’t relocate people one by one if she had a mind to.

But even if he could understand that much, he still had no idea what Beatrice had really been thinking.

Even then, the final image of her crying refused to fade from his mind.

Though she had turned him down, he had been sure she’d disdainfully leave him there. And yet, Beatrice had looked at Subaru with dejection and despair in her eyes—

“It’s as if…she…”

—as if she’d expected more of him.

Subaru himself had rejected such notions, thinking them exceedingly self-serving. He’d acknowledged he was a spirit of pestilence, unable to do anything, hadn’t he? He’d accepted it, hadn’t he? If he couldn’t expect anything from himself, no one else could, either. Having even someone who hated him expect something of him was nothing but the height of “Pride.”

—Even though he had kept running and running from other people’s expectations long before he’d reached that world.

“Man, I’m hopeless, aren’t I…?”

A crooked smile came over Subaru as he slowly knelt up on the grass. His legs seemed less mobile than expected. When Subaru looked down, he realized that there was something other than him weighing on his knees.

Even then, after tumbling through space, Emilia’s remains continued to rest atop his lap.

“Emi…lia…”

In that world of gloom, a trickle of moonlight shone upon her pale face.

She seemed neither in pain nor at peace in death. Instead, she seemed full of conflict, unable to understand the cause of the misfortune afflicting her body. Namely, how her heart had been crushed while she was still alive, in a world of frozen time.

But even if she hadn’t felt any pain, that was no saving grace. There was no such thing as a peaceful death, nor was death a saving grace for anyone.

—Except for Subaru himself, in that moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so sorry…”

As he looked down at Emilia’s face, droplets fell upon her pale cheek.

He had thought his tears had run dry, but they flowed from a bottomless well as Subaru was racked with ceaseless torture.

He heard voices—voices blaming him.

The people Subaru had met were shouting down at him in frigid anger.

There was a girl with silver hair and a girl with blue hair among them—

“Someone…someone, anyone…”

—Please kill me.

Under a hail of shouts that would not vanish, Subaru picked up Emilia and rose to his feet. From there, he stepped on the grass and broke branches as he began slowly walking into the forest.

He could hear beasts howling in the distance. If he met those black demon beasts now, he felt like he’d greet them with a smile on his face. He wanted them to consume his flesh, his mana, his life—anything they pleased.

For if they did not, if that did not happen, there would be no salvation for Subaru Natsuki.

“—”

Heading toward the howls, Subaru advanced into the dark depths of the forest.

He no longer felt the weight of carrying Emilia, nor fatigue from walking along the cold mountain road with poor visibility. He wondered if it was because he had a clear goal and was earnestly working toward it. That would be pretty pathetic. Nor did the word pathetic begin to describe his fate.

“Here… Past this ravine…and then…”

Carefully heading downhill, he climbed up the twisting tree roots as if they were stairs.

Like a candle on the verge of burning out, he was exhausting the last strength his life had to offer. But that was not the only cause of the lack of hesitation in his steps. Put simply, he remembered the path.

After all, this place was—

“Yeah, there you are.”

A thin, heartfelt smile came over his lips as if he was relieved not to have missed his mark. Mad laughter came over him—the sort only a man smeared with blood and free of his sanity was capable of. Subaru knew a man who laughed like that. If he looked in the mirror at that moment, he’d probably see the same smile on his own face. Seeing such an expression ate away at your mind, its sheer malevolence giving rise to a physiological sense of revulsion.

But those to whom he turned that crazed smile were accustomed to the sight.

“—”

Inside the nighttime forest, a group in black outfits that blended in with the darkness surrounded Subaru.

As if rising from the shadows themselves, they had silently encircled Subaru, not even allowing him to sense their auras as they continued to stare right at him. Their gazes held no hostility, nor amiability, nor malice, nor benevolence. He couldn’t sense anything resembling “will” at all. Subaru, under their scrutiny, recalled his encounter with them from the first time around.

“Same thing, huh…?”

Just as in Subaru’s memories, the black-robed figures all lowered their heads then and there. Like marionettes lacking wills of their own, they showed Subaru “respect” for the first time.

Subaru had no idea why they demonstrated admiration for him. All he knew for sure was that they were all devotees of the Witch Cult, and that the darkness enveloping Subaru had some relationship to the Witch they worshipped.

“—Outta my way.”

Really, there were many things that he wanted to ask them. If this had happened before he’d resigned himself to death, he’d have had a mountain of inquiries. But by then, even that sentiment was a mere worthless relic.

At Subaru’s brief command, the black-robed figures did not voice a single sound of dissent as they melted into the darkness and vanished. As they disappeared from his sight, Subaru noticed that the world was filled with silence. He no longer heard the howls of the beasts he wanted to come after him, nor the ceaseless cries of insects—not even the wind. It was as if all living creatures scorned the Witch Cult.

Perhaps the reason wasn’t just the Witch Cult but Subaru’s presence, too. Perhaps the Cult and Subaru being together in one place painted so repulsive a picture that the world itself recoiled.

—He thought that this latter assessment suited the current him far better.

A faint laugh came over Subaru as he advanced past where the Witch Cultists had surrounded him. He passed beyond the roots, stepped across the soil, crushed the tree leaves with the bottoms of his shoes, and finally, the forest opened. A rocky, sheer precipice spread out before his eyes.

“Beloved acolyte, I have been waiting for you.”

Standing before the rock wall was a gaunt man bearing the same mad smile that Subaru did.

Sub-chapter 6.

“My, my, my? And furthermore, furthermore, furthermore, you carry in your arms… Could that be the half-demon girl?”

When Subaru approached the rocky area, Petelgeuse cocked his head and looked at Emilia, whom Subaru held in his arms. The madman’s head remained parallel to the ground as his tongue slid out in amusement, dribbling spittle.

“Heavens, for her to lose her life before even undertaking our trial… What a tragic fate! What an untimely demise! Ahh! And, and, and…what diligence upon your part! On the verge of the trial, before I even act, you have stolen the half-demon’s body and life…!”

Petelgeuse shouted, hailing Emilia’s death with exaggerated gestures, waving his arms around. Subaru then noticed that the Witch Cult adherents had gathered around Petelgeuse at some point, all of them on their knees as they devotedly listened to the madman’s ravings.

“Me, diligence…?”

Hearing Subaru’s halting murmur, Petelgeuse rushed over with jubilant laughter.

“Yes, that is right! Diligence! It is splendid! Unlike us, slow to decide, meager of wit, and lacking decisiveness, you made the Witch’s will manifest before any other!”

Then he slid onto his knees and fell prostrate, virtually slamming his forehead against the rocky ground.

“Compared to you! My fingers and I were so slow, so foolish, so lacking! Ahh, forgive me! For being unable to requite your love! Forgive this slothful, unfaithful flesh! Forgive this stupid man unable to respond to the love you bestow upon me!”

A flood of tears poured from Petelgeuse as he pounded the rock with an arm, nearly splitting his forehead with the intensity of his apology. The fervent act of self harm was accompanied by a spray of blood. Subaru could see bone from where his wrist was cut. Despite that, Petelgeuse did not cease his violent action; indeed, each of the faithful kneeling all around rushed to emulate the madman’s self-destructive actions.

It was a cacophony of blood and agony—and as he watched it all, Subaru felt nothing. Even with the man he had so hated right before him, his heart was unmoved whatsoever.

“Ahh, what can I do for you, who fulfilled the trial in my place while I failed to respond to Her feelings? Tell me, please. What may I do for you, so that I may prove that my love is not slothful?”

Petelgeuse came close, the blood trickling from his head causing tears of blood to flow as he made his earnest plea.

Subaru replied, “Kill me.”

Surely even the expression on that madman’s face would register shock from the sudden request—

“Are you sure about that?”

—but it did not. Without a moment’s hesitation, he kicked Subaru away.

The wind kicked out of him, Subaru sailed back as Petelgeuse watched him with an expression of ecstasy.

“Ahh, splendid, splendid indeed…! With the trial fulfilled in search of salvation, my actions, and those of my believers seeking salvation, may have thus become diligent…! Ahh, we are spared from being slothful! Both you and I! You have my thanks! And my diligence has earned Her love!”

Petelgeuse harbored no misgivings about the brooding Subaru’s reply, nor felt a single pang of conscience over his own actions, seeing neither as contrary to the laws of the world in any way. Under the guise of diligence, his bloodlust had been unleashed.

Subaru, seeing this in the madman, closed his eyes, his heart hardly stirred.

At the very least, it was what Subaru wanted to see just then.

“Though I must say…”

When he heard Petelgeuse mutter something, Subaru felt hostility press upon his skin.

“Unable to even pass a single trial, not even facing a single Deadly Sin, bearing great expectations only to stumble over the first stone in her path…”

The madman looked down at the sleeping Emilia, sighing.

“—Ahh, you were lazy!”

He had no greater words to demean Emilia’s death.

Subaru knew this, because he recalled how the madman had disgraced the life of a girl precious to him in a world long past.

“—”

Subaru opened his eyes. That instant, he saw a dark cloud approaching, taking the form of a hand. For a single moment, he recoiled from the painful memories rushing into the back of his mind.

But this evil hand was different. His body could move. His feet could move. His arms could move. Hence, his body evaded it.

As the black hand gently slid toward him, Subaru leaped to the side, holding Emilia in his arms. The hand slipped past, seeming perplexed as it vanished. Subaru’s breath was ragged as he watched it disappear.

Petelgeuse stared at him, eyes wide with a fire raging in them, asking in a shaking voice, “…You. Just now, you saw my Unseen Hands, did you not?”

The madman inserted his twig-like fingers into his mouth, crushing his fingertips with his teeth one by one. As each part of his flesh burst with the horrible sound of bones snapping and fresh blood seeping out, he continued, “That will not do, that will not do at all. It is strange, it is wrong. There is some error, some mistake. My power, the power of Sloth, the Unseen Hands, Her favor bestowed unto me…! That another has set eyes upon them is unforgivable!!”

Spitting blood, Petelgeuse chewed on fragments of bone and nail as he glared at Subaru with bloodshot eyes.

In the next instant, black arms rose out from Petelgeuse’s back.

Petelgeuse’s shadow exploded into seven black limbs that madly danced about. A chill ran up Subaru’s spine at the resemblance to the two evil hands that punished Subaru when he touched upon the taboo.

“But if I can see them, and my body can move…”

He could dodge them.

The speed of the black hands was not all that fast. Though they boasted the power to rip a human limb from limb at a distance, their greatest menace was their power of Invisibility. Their greatest advantage no longer worked on Subaru. And with the last wisps of his life burning down, Subaru exhibited physical abilities beyond his limitations.

“Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyyyyyyyyyy…? Why can you avoid them?! Do you see them?! This love belongs to me! To me alone!!”

“Deep down, there’s only one guy I don’t wanna be killed by, and that’s you.”

Subaru twisted to evade one hand and leaped forward to dodge a different set of fingertips stretching up toward him. He crouched instantly to avoid the two coming at him from the left and right, practically falling forward and closing the distance with Petelgeuse.

Seeing the insanity on Petelgeuse’s face twist into shock, a dark pleasure filled Subaru’s belly.

He’d just remembered the fact that he had wanted to kill that madman.

“—Bgah!”

Taking the shortest possible route, Subaru slammed his head into the bridge of the madman’s nose, violently kicking his body as he rocked backward. The black hands flailed about, unable to strike precisely. Now blood was pouring from Subaru’s forehead, too, cut by Petelgeuse’s front teeth. The heavy bleeding got into his eyes, blotting out his vision on the right side.

—A moment after he noticed something sliding under his feet, it grabbed Subaru’s legs and sent him flying.

The instant before he slammed against a large tree, Subaru abandoned all thoughts of cushioning the blow, clutching Emilia’s remains even more strongly. Not to cling to her but to protect her.

“—Gweh!”

And so his back collided against the tree, making him feel a seemingly lethal crack in his spine. Several vertebrae broke, and his recently closed wounds opened all at once. Each one cried out in a chorus of ferocious pain as Subaru fell onto the ground, writhing, and bubbles appeared around his mouth.

“Disgraceful! Disgraceful, is it not?! Ahh, I am so relieved. Truly relieved! At that rate, I would have wallowed in idleness, all my actions rendered meaningless! But I am indeed diligent, exhausting my efforts for love…”

“Shut up, dim…wit…!”

His breathing sounded strange. He felt like he’d taken heavy damage to his lungs. Even so, he laughed and mocked Petelgeuse, bubbles of blood dripping from his lips all the while.

“What love, you moron? That so-called love you say you got… I can see it, too, can’t I…? She’s been cheatin’ on you, sucker.”

“What…are you saying…?! Saying, saying, sa-sa-sa-sa-sayiiiing… My brain, my brain treeeeeembles!”

Petelgeuse tore hair from his head as he raged, eyes wide open. He walked toward the fallen Subaru, violently kicking Emilia from his arms as if to deliberately distance her from Subaru.

Emilia’s body rolled, slamming into the roots of various trees. Petelgeuse glanced sideways at it and laughed.

“Denigrating my love is impermissible! Ahh, I have decided. It is decided! Though the half-demon who should have undergone the trial perished beforehand, those sheltering her yet remain!”

Petelgeuse ranted and raved as one of his black hands lifted Subaru by his neck. Subaru’s eyes snapped wide as the force threatened to rip his head off his shoulders; the brutal pain left him unable to speak.

“First, I shall eradicate those associated with the mansion; next, I shall sacrifice the residents of the village nearby for Her affection. Nothing shall remain, for any survivors would be proof of Sloth. I, the pinnacle of diligence, and my fingers shall render judgment upon all—the highway is sealed by the mist, so there is no one to interfere with my love!”

Shouting and spitting in his agitated state, Petelgeuse laid out his diabolical scheme.

“Before that, you seemed to clutch that half-demon’s flesh as if it was quite precious to you… If I destroy it, I wonder what wonderful sounds I will hear you make?”

Petelgeuse’s head tilted, his lips twisted, and his eyes filled with inhuman curiosity.

Five arms other than the one holding Subaru up crawled out from the madman’s back, each moving independently as they wriggled their way toward Emilia’s remains. One grasped each of her limbs, with the last hand wrapping around her slender neck.

“Do you see them? Do you understand what is about to happen?”

“…S…top!”

At that moment, Subaru was racked with fear precisely because he could see it. It made him remember every detail of what this man’s black hands did to Rem’s body when he couldn’t see them. And now, those same destructive impulses were directed toward Emilia’s flesh.

He had no power to prevent the vile act. Subaru’s grief only deepened Petelgeuse’s crazed, amused smile. All that remained was for him to cruelly rip Emilia’s flesh asunder—

“—What are you doing?”

Without warning, the voice poured down from the heavens, coldly thrumming in the ears of all present.

“—!”

Petelgeuse’s expression shifted, his gaze drifting around in search of the speaker. The voice had enough power in it—and well-honed anger—to make even his expression change.

Finally, Petelgeuse’s gaze turned toward a single point in the sky and stopped. A second after, Subaru, still held aloft by his neck, looked at the same point in the sky, too.

“I repeat…”

An incredible number of icicles poured down, filling their vision, seemingly blotting out the nighttime sky. A breath surged, dyed white; in the blink of an eye, a cold that threatened to chill the whole world spread throughout the forest.

The black-robed figures still on their knees and Petelgeuse, with a crazed smile, over him, were at a loss for words.

“What are you lowlifes doing to my daughter…?”

—The Apocalypse Beast of Eternal Frost dyed the world white.

To Subaru, it was the being who would bring him death at the end of his tenth time—the tenth world.

Sub-chapter 7.

Since being invited to this world, Subaru had experienced death time and again.

Under normal circumstances, it was an ordeal no one faced more than once a lifetime. That common-sense rule had been violated, and Subaru, who had already been granted ten opportunities to grapple with death, knew as much about it as anyone. And having come to know it so well, Subaru had become able to sense its approach.

His refined senses told him loud and clear that death was on its way.

“You lot sure like to do whatever you please.”

The voice, bearing penetrating cold and oppressive might, had come from the icy veil in the sky above. The voice hailed from a small, mouse-colored cat, its emotions as frigid as the horde of sharp-tipped icicles accompanying it on its way to the ground. It was small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, with a tail about as long as it was tall. It had a pink nose and round eyes. Its short arms were folded, almost humanlike, as its expression was fraught with deep hatred.

Petelgeuse and the other members of the Witch Cult were silent before the supernatural being that spoke the language of men. And Subaru, who was with them, felt his throat closing up in shock for a different reason. He had never before seen that being, that spirit, shaking in anger like that.

As one present in that place, feeling the overflow of his anger, he knew that death had come to the world.

“…Puck.”

Under the white mist surrounding the floating spirit—Puck—the forest in their vicinity let out a crack-like sound as it was transformed. The trees turned white, as if the green had been sucked out of them; their mana absorbed, leaves, branches, and trunks froze over, dead as they fell.

The ground itself displayed identical effects. First, the flowers died, then the cold crept over the soil, and finally, it reached Subaru, also on the earth, stabbing him all over with burning pain. He felt lethargy gradually rising from the depths of his body, causing his breathing to falter as his mind began to fade.

Long before, Subaru had experienced being forcibly robbed of his mana at Beatrice’s hands. The angered Puck was employing that power on a global scale, turning the world’s power into his own.

Beside Subaru, holding back a whimper, Petelgeuse backed up a step with heavy sweat on his brow, and the kneeling Witch Cult was gasping for oxygen through their open mouths, almost like fish.

“The Witch Cult—no matter how much time passes, you never change, do you? In every age, it is you who bring me the saddest things of all.”

Puck spoke as if dealing with noxious insects as he trained his eyes on a single point in the forest. Subaru, following his gaze, saw that there was a single space left that Puck’s power was not affecting. Only the prone girl’s corpse was protected from the end of the world.

“Ahh, my poor Lia… You died without understanding anything.”

After gazing longingly at Emilia, Puck turned his eyes toward those who still lived.

“Depriving my daughter of her life is a grave crime. Do not think any of you will escape alive.”

“How dare a mere spirit…! How, how, how, how, howww dare you speak?! A half-demon failing an ordeal is nothing but a filthy pretender! The blame is yours for your Sloth and inability to protect this fool! Ahh! Ahh! Ahhhhh! My brain is trembling!!”

Petelgeuse responded to Puck’s threats by raising both hands to the sky, flying into a rage. The madman’s bloodshot eyeballs were unfocused as Petelgeuse’s welling bloodlust erupted in a geyser of froth.

“All that shall transpire, all that must transpire, the proper course of history is recorded in my Gospel! The Witch loves me, and I must repay Her with diligence! Whereas you, lowly spirit, wallow in idleness!”

Love, was it? To Petelgeuse, acts of worship toward the Witch were nothing but repaying her for her love. For the madman, actions that displayed his adoration for the Witch had absolute priority over everything else. The Witch was supreme and the Witch was the greatest. Furthermore, nothing and no one was permitted to defy his love for the Witch.

“Death to half-demons! And you, too, must pay for your idleness! The Witch’s favor is the truth that lets my heart beat! All must be sacrificed for it!”

Petelgeuse waved his arms, ranting, raving, and loudly stamping his foot.

Puck looked down upon Petelgeuse’s madness with eyes that were cold to their very core. They contained neither pity nor anger, only a lucid view of the low worth of the object before them.

Puck’s and Petelgeuse’s absolutely incompatible wills clashed, fueling each other’s bloodlust.

“My fingers! This fool must pay for his—”

“Die.”

The descending icicles poured down on the Witch Cult adherents, skewering them and pinning them in place. The cultists’ bodies and limbs were impaled against the ground, pierced like bugs for study.

The air creaked, and the flesh of the dead Witch Cult worshippers froze over, turning the rocky area into an ice sculpture exhibit.

“—”

Instantly, without warning, Puck had taken nearly twenty lives. During that time, his gaze did not waver in any way; neither did Petelgeuse’s. Unmoved by the loss of the followers who obeyed his commands, who were now literal sacrificial pawns, he exploited Puck’s temporary shift of attention away from him.

“—My brain…is…trembling.”

His lips twisted darkly, and a moment later, Petelgeuse’s shadow exploded. Simultaneously, Subaru’s body was cast aside as a total of seven arms bore upon Puck, floating in the sky.

With Puck’s power, dealing with the gently advancing evil hands was child’s play. But Puck made no reaction to the advance of the hands—because he didn’t see them.

“Puck—!”

When Subaru tried to raise his voice to warn of the danger, the voice and eyes Puck turned toward him made his blood run cold.

“Be quiet, Subaru. I will deal with you la… Ngh?”

But before the spirit finished speaking, the black hands trapped his tiny body, which vanished from Subaru’s view.

“Ahh…”

Puck’s body was so small that a normal adult’s hand was more than large enough to conceal it from view. There was no way anyone could have seen it through seven hands. And each of those black hands were so overwhelmingly powerful that they could rip a human body apart with ease.

“Carelessness! Negligence! In other words, Sloth! You should have eliminated me immediately! You possessed such power, yet you neglected its proper use! And this is the result! This! Thisss! Thisthisthisthiiiisssss!!”

The Unseen Hands that only Subaru could detect enveloped Puck’s body and crushed it. Before Petelgeuse, who danced with mad delight, the Great Spirit was cruelly erased—

“Don’t make me laugh.”

In the next moment, Subaru saw the converging black limbs being blown apart.

“That’s all? You’re four hundred years too young to be invoking the Witch. If you really want to kill me—”

The frozen trees, unable to bear their own weight, shattered into shards of ice with one flick of his tail.

The corpses of the Witch Cult followers who had become ice sculptures were smashed to smithereens. The front paws responsible for this made the ground under them into an absolute-zero zone of death. Its softest breath rivaled a raging blizzard, and within that white mist, its eyes were like dazzling, glittering gold—eyes that mercilessly towered over a world of death.

“Then stretch half of Satella’s Thousand Shadows, toward me.”

It was a four-legged, feline beast with gray fur, boasting such size that it stood above the forest.

It was the Beast of the End that had destroyed the mansion and brought death to Subaru in a prior world.

—It was indeed a grand manifestation of the End.

“—”

The intensity of the cold went up another level, and it hurt to even keep his eyes open to watch the world go white. Subaru endured the pain as he looked up at the beast, agape.

“What…?”

A shaking voice echoed from a tiny corner of that world of ultimate cold.

“What is it you are telling me to bring?!”

This time, Petelgeuse’s scream brought a vertical cut to his parched lips, from which a trace of blood trickled—but in the blink of an eye, this, too, froze over, bringing an end to the bleeding and pain.

Subaru feared that closing his eyes amid the blowing cold meant he would never open them again. He took in Petelgeuse’s final cry and looked up at the beast once more.

“Puck, is that you…?”

“I suppose it would be a little mean to say, ‘Isn’t it obvious?’”

The gray-colored beast’s titanic mouth moved in reply to Subaru’s broken question. Each word came with a gale, but it was the enormous beast’s sarcasm that confirmed Subaru’s suspicions.

With that answer, Subaru came to accept the fact that in the previous world, and the world before that, Subaru had died at the end because—

While Subaru was compelled to stay silent, Petelgeuse glared at Puck and murmured, “Im…possible…”

The madman thrust his intact hand into his mouth, crushing his fingers one by one, and they oozed blood. It was as if that pain was what tethered his perpetual madness to the world.

“This is impossible; it cannot be! A mere! Spirit! A lowly spirit! Cannot possess such power! If that was possible, I—!”

“—Echidna.”

“—”

Petelgeuse’s movements stopped as bloody froth trickled from the corner of his lips, his eyes wide open.

Puck had whispered a word that had interrupted Petelgeuse’s denial. The color of Petelgeuse’s face had changed the instant he heard what was apparently a name.

“As a man of the Cult, you understand what that name means, don’t you?”

“Filthy…!!”

Petelgeuse’s reaction to it was nothing short of dramatic. Along with the sound of something hard, blood gushed from his mouth. It came from his molars. He was so angry, he’d bitten down on his teeth hard enough to break them.

“It is repugnant to even speak that name! Ahh, you poor, lazy fool, ignorant of fear! You dare speak the name of a fallen witch, a witch other than Satella, before me…!”

Petelgeuse’s eyes had gone from bloodshot to scarlet-dyed; maybe the arteries had burst open. Tears of blood flowed from the corners. The madman turned his bitten and torn fingertips toward Puck.

“My faith! My love! That is nothing less than an insult to everything I offer to Her!”

“—A human living mere decades has no business arguing time with a spirit.”

Just like that, Petelgeuse ceased his mad writhing. No—this was not something he had done consciously. He had frozen from the feet up, and that had made him stop.

As Subaru lay on his side, his vision blurry and white, he saw his mortal enemy brought to the verge of death.

Petelgeuse, too, knew that his freezing meant his death was not long in the offing. However, to the very end, his madness was directed not toward his own impending death but at Puck, towering before him.

“The depth of one’s faith has nothing to do with time! You are a lazy beast, born with eternal time, yet exhausting most of it in idleness! Do not compare me with a fool such as you! Ahh! Ahh, ahh! My brain is treeeeeeeeeeeembling!”

Even knowing his own end was near, Petelgeuse’s madness never wavered. To Subaru, who knew no phenomenon more absolute or terrifying than death, Petelgeuse’s behavior was truly deviant.

Seeing him profess his faith at the moment before his demise was proof that he was a truly corrupt being.

“Death is not punishment enough for you—that’s why I hate your kind.”

“The trial has been fulfilled! No matter what happens to this filthy body, so long as my feelings reach the Witch I revere, She shall grant Her favor… Ahh, it will be so good to see Her again!”

Spreading both hands before the sky above, Petelgeuse let out a cackle.

The snow blew with greater intensity, dyeing his gaunt body white. Subaru wasn’t sure whether his voice or his movements gently slowed first.

Yet even then, Petelgeuse’s laughter did not cease.

He was one with his buoyant madness until his laughter finally ceased and, with it, his life.

“—Quit while you were ahead, didn’t you?”

The gray beast murmured as it thrust down its front paw, smashing the Petelgeuse ice sculpture into dust.

Even as Subaru watched the madman’s life expire, his shattered fragments carried away by the wind, no strong emotions stirred within him. He had hated the man so; he had so wished to kill him. Petelgeuse was where it had all started; Subaru had believed that killing him would make everything turn out all right.

But was that truly the result?

Though he had witnessed the death of his hated foe, Subaru had only hollow emptiness inside him. The defeat of Petelgeuse meant clearing away the threat posed by the Witch Cult. But Rem, who ought to have been there sharing his joy, had been erased from the world; Emilia, who should have been quietly waiting for him to bring good news upon his return, had died at Subaru’s own hands.

The accumulated weight of both their deaths had made Subaru desire his own demise, but in the end, he could not even manage that, and a different avenger had claimed retribution—

Subaru had nothing left. He’d done everything over and, as a result, achieved nothing.

“—Now, then.”

Subaru felt his own powerlessness beaten into him as the beast quietly looked down upon him. He was reminded anew that the giant beast was Puck; the enormity of that truth made his body quake. He was reminded of how, previously, he’d watched with detached bemusement when the Knights and the Council of Elders at the royal palace had acted so terrified of fighting Puck when they heard his alias.

“Let’s talk, shall we?”

—Now, he was painfully aware of just what they had felt back then.

The cold was making it hard to think. Already, the pain tearing across his whole body had vanished. Subaru heard the gentle footsteps of his own death drawing near. And just as his body slackened from the sweet premonition that the end was nigh—

“Oh, this won’t do. You’re bleeding out too much—I’ll put a stop to that.”

“—Dwah!!”

He felt like he was being roasted alive, waking up his fading senses.

With merciless pain blocking his throat, Subaru saw that each wound on his body was audibly freezing over. White steam rose as sharp ice connected, stitched, and tethered his wounds, even the ones inside his body.

Through this act of treatment, abandoning all consideration for the human body, Subaru’s flesh was violently healed. Blood vessels exploded within his eyes, dyeing his vision scarlet.

It was more than an ow, ow, ow. The hell that had erupted within his body transcended even pain.

“Subaru, you have committed three sins.”

Subaru reeled, howling with a voiceless scream. The giant beast continued to speak as if nothing had happened. Though he had become enormous in size, his mouth lined with endless sharp fangs, and the tone of his voice had changed, the cadence was as gentle as always.

That terrified him all the more.

“First, you broke your promise with Lia. It seems you do not truly understand just how weighty a promise formed between two people is to a spirit mage. I suppose you truly do not know how much your rashly breaking that promise hurt Lia.”

His mind rejected an understanding of what Puck was saying. No—his mind was dominated by pain. His internal organs were frozen, and his broken bones were connected to one another by ice gouging obstructed flesh. The crimson ice over his open wounds had been ripped away, the areas affected frozen to the core, violently stopping the bleeding. The freezing had spread farther. The pain had spread farther. Death was spreading. It hurts, hurtshurtshurtshurtshurtshurtshurtshurtshurtshurtshurtshurts…

“Second, you ignored Lia’s wishes and came back. Do you even know how much that drove her into a corner and made her suffer, when she didn’t want to see you again? Not only did you break your promise, you had to trample on Lia’s heart as you pleased.”

With Subaru on the white ground, limbs spread wide, Puck drew his face close and blew with his icy breath. Subaru’s flowing tears became needles stabbing his eyeballs. His brain convulsed from the intense agony.

“And third, you let Lia die.”

It was like having his very soul filed down. The extreme pain made Subaru forget how to breathe. Amid that agony, like having every nerve in his body immersed in magma, Subaru cursed his own shallowness.

He’d thought that pain was a lesser thing than death. He was wrong. He was wrong about everything. “Pain,” “Death,” “Fear”—these smashed the heart of the weakling named Subaru Natsuki in equal measure.

The soul of Subaru Natsuki had been backed into a corner with nowhere to run.

As Subaru’s sluggish mind began to appreciate that terrifying truth, Puck stated to him, “—In accordance with the pact, I’ll be destroying the world now.”

Puck’s eyes had contained anger. Only at that juncture did a new emotion begin to come to the fore.

“I will bury everything under ice and snow, as my parting gift to Lia.”

“…That won’t…”

“It has nothing to do with making her happy or not. No matter what the pact, I will not break what has been agreed upon.”

Puck’s eyes narrowed as he responded to Subaru’s incoherent voice.

“But that act will end unfulfilled, I imagine. Even if I spread this world of ice to cover every land, like the forest where Lia and I dwelled…the Sword Saint will stand before me. That is a battle I will not win.”

Puck seemed to lament the disparity in strength when he brought up a certain red-haired hero’s other name.

Subaru couldn’t believe he was hearing those words.

Puck, wielding such overpowering might, had bluntly stated that he had no chance of defeating the Sword Saint.

And if Puck knew he’d be struck down in the process, why would he sacrifice himself in such a battle?

“Wh-why…?”

“—Lia was the entire reason for my existence.”

Puck responded to Subaru’s inquiry.

The wind grew even colder, stabbing Subaru’s flesh, filling up his eyes, freezing his blood— The end was nigh.

“It is meaningless for me to remain in a world without her. Now that I’ve lost her, I will not allow the world to move on. For me, everything ended when that girl died.”

When Puck finished speaking, the wind’s intensity suddenly spiked.

“How long will it take for a person to die if he’s slowly, gradually frozen from the tips of his extremities on up? Have you ever wondered that, Subaru?”

“—”

“I’ll take that as a yes. I want you to learn the answer.”

Slowly, slowly, the chill consumed more and more of his flesh.

His wounds and internal organs were already frozen, so they were exempt as the rest of Subaru’s flesh expired from the fingertips up.

If pain could truly drive a person mad, his sanity would have been shattered long before.

He wanted his mind to be ripped apart, smashed to bits, scattered in all directions. For if not…

“—Mist is coming. It seems you’ve lured quite a nasty one.”

He couldn’t hear. Someone was saying something, but he couldn’t hear.

“Gluttony’s… Ahh, nowadays they call it the White Whale, don’t they? Calling it over, letting Lia die, losing your own life… You truly are incorrigible, do you know that?”

He couldn’t hear. He couldn’t hear. But even though he shouldn’t have heard it, he heard the voice.

He heard laughter from somewhere. A mocking voice.

Cackle, cackle.

He knew that laughter. The voice of the man he hated to the point of death.

Where is it coming from? With the end near, his consciousness sought an answer to that question.

Then he realized it.

The incessant cackling was coming from his own throat.

Ecstasy began to rule his brain, drowning out his pain.

He took his first steps into a spreading world of madness. The way it warped everything around him felt…good.

The laughter wouldn’t stop.

His own laughter was mocking him—the one who had let Rem die, who had killed Emilia, and who was dying like a dog himself.

Ah yes. He was truly…how would you put it…

“—Subaru, you’re lazy.”

With a sharp sound, he blacked out.

It probably was not only his consciousness, and his life, that had been severed.

—It was something more, something that had been barely holding him together, that audibly came apart in that moment.

Snap.
 

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Diamond. Diamond. Diamond.

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